With a Little Help Series
by hester4418
Summary: After Voyager receives the first letters from home, Kathryn Janeway has to face the fact that her old life is not waiting for her anymore. Trying to cope alone, she fails miserably. Chakotay comes to her rescue and manages to restore her equilibrium, and it seems like they might finally make some progress – if only their friends hadn't tried to help...
1. Healing (by Hester)

AUTHOR'S NOTES:  
Originally, what is now Chapter 1 was supposed to be a standalone story, **"Healing"**, detailing one aspect of the aftermath of the episode "Hunters". Then several readers asked (or rather begged ;-)) for a sequel, especially the dinner. One of them, A.A., was particularly insistent. I didn't think I'd have the time to actually write it, but my mind refused to let go of all the little scenes that kept popping into my head at inopportune moments. Ultimately, **"Friends"** was conceived. Then A.A. asked for permission to continue the storyline with a contribution of her own and I said yes. That's how **"Worries"** came about. Of course I should have known that she was setting me up, because the end she had written screamed for more. So I wrote **"Plans"** and bounced the ball back into her court. She rose to the occasion and added **"Misconceptions"** and also **"Bliss"**. I immediately began to work on **"Confrontations"**, which I intended to be the final chapter to the series, but halfway through I just – stopped. I can't explain why, but somehow I never got around to finishing this last part. Until now. And it's done! :-))) Of course it didn't turn out quite the way I expected it to (somehow my stories rarely do); the most obvious deviation from the plan being that I had to add yet another chapter to round out the story and bring it to a (hopefully) satisfactory ending. **"Full Circle"** finally completes the 'With a Little Help' Series, more than 14 years after the first part was written. Happy reading! :-)

_A.A. – if you should find this, I hope you're okay with the fact that I posted your parts as well. The series just isn't complete without them. And once again, thanks for making me continue the original story, and also for continuing it with me. I think we did good. ;-D_

* * *

DISCLAIMER: _Star Trek: Voyager _and all its characters belong to Paramount Pictures; no infringement of copyright is intended. The story however belongs to A.A. and to me.

TIME FRAME: Picking up right after "Hunters", the story arc continues through the end of the 4th season and into the 5th, ending shortly after "Bliss".

**'With a Little Help' Series: Chapter 1**  
Originally written April-June 1998; first published June 1998; republished here October 2012 with just a few minor edits  
Episode references: Hunters

**Healing  
********by Hester (hester4418)**  


Kathryn Janeway couldn't remember when it had started. Sometime during the day, the long day filled with reports and observations, meetings and discussions, it had started and had kept growing ever since. Now it was evening, her shift was over, and she couldn't wait to get back to her quarters.

The doors seemed to open exceedingly slow, and she stormed through before they had fully parted. Anger rising out of control, she looked around, desperate. She needed to smash something.

Anything.

A couple of padds lay on the low table by her couch. One quick sweep by her hand sent them flying through the air, scattering all over. The sofa cushions followed suit, being hurtled against the wall, too soft to really make an impact. Too soft to quell the rage within her.

At first it had been just a slight feeling of annoyance, hardly worth mentioning or even thinking about. But over the course of the day it had grown, changing into disappointment, anger, and finally blazing rage. Add to that the realization of self-delusion and having been ignorant of the truth, and what you got was a highly explosive cocktail of short temper and long-neglected feelings.

The fact that she met with no resistance only fueled those sentiments. Lucid for a short moment, she realized there'd be nothing inside her quarters that would be challenging enough. There was just one place which could provide what she needed. She was out the door and almost flying down the corridor without losing another second.

Fortunately, the holodeck was empty. She locked the doors and called up _Sandrine's_, then paused and looked around with a heavy sigh. She knew it had been right to come here.

For a brief moment she closed her eyes, inhaling deeply. "Computer, disable holodeck safety protocols. Override code Janeway-four-zero-alpha-nine."

The computer gave a soft chirp. "Holodeck safety protocols disabled."

Janeway exhaled slowly. Then she opened her eyes, grabbed a chair and threw it against the wall. Her screams echoed off the walls of the holodeck, unheard by anyone but herself.

-==/\==-

Commander Chakotay walked the long corridors of _Voyager_ on his way to the holodeck. He had a standing reservation for two hours every Wednesday night, time he usually used to meditate in one of his nature programs. Being surrounded by familiar scenery, be it his home planet, the desert of Arizona on Earth or any other location he was fond of for one reason or another, always helped him to reach a deeper level of meditation, and he enjoyed the close connection to his ancestors and his animal guide.

When he reached the holodeck he was surprised to find the doors locked and a program running. Usually, everybody knew and respected the time schedule which was posted on the display next to the door, so he wondered who had the nerve to lock him out and rob him of his time off. It should not be too hard to find out.

"Computer, list personnel currently on Holodeck 2."

"Captain Kathryn Janeway," the melodious female voice replied, not at all affected by Chakotay's slightly annoyed tone.

The commander stopped in surprise. "Which program is she running?" he asked, wondering why Janeway hadn't asked him if she wanted to swap holodeck time slots.

"_Chez Sandrine_, Marseille, Earth," came the reply. Chakotay was about to ask another question when, almost as an afterthought, the computer added, "Holodeck safety protocols have been disabled. Access to the holodeck has been restricted to command personnel with level nine security clearance only."

Now Chakotay began to worry. Only three people on the ship had such a high security clearance: Captain Janeway, Chief of Security Tuvok, and himself. And why had she disabled the safety protocols? Something was definitely wrong.

"Status of Captain Janeway?" he inquired, mentally preparing himself for ordering an emergency medical transport if necessary.

"Heartbeat and body temperature above normal, stress levels elevated, minor physical injuries," the computer reported, impassive as usual. Sometimes Chakotay wondered whether its voice pattern had been programmed to match a Vulcan's. "No immediate danger."

His agitation subsided somewhat. At least she wasn't caught in any life-threatening situation. He still wondered though why she had locked herself in, at _Sandrine's_ of all places.

He decided to try one more alternative before using his override code and violating her privacy. He touched his communicator. "Chakotay to Janeway."

No response.

"Commander Chakotay to Captain Janeway. Please respond or I will be forced to enter the holodeck to ensure your safety."

Only silence followed his words. Chakotay hesitated no longer. "Override holodeck lock-out, security clearance Chakotay-delta-epsilon-five-sigma. Open holodeck doors."

"Override clearance accepted. You may enter." The doors parted.

Chakotay quickly stepped through, allowing the doors to close behind him before proceeding any further. "Computer. Restore access restriction. List Holodeck 2 as off-limits to all personnel until further notice. Authorization Chakotay, XO."

"Authorization accepted." An automated message would be sent to Tuvok, informing him of Chakotay's actions. No doubt he would be surprised, but the commander trusted the chief of security's discretion.

He slowly advanced toward the center of the room, taking in his surroundings bit by bit.

The place was a mess.

Chairs had been thrown about and obviously been used for bashing objects as well. Shards of broken glass littered the floor, different liquids mixed and mingled around the overturned tables. The pool table, usually the most treasured pastime the bar had to offer, now looked as if someone had deliberately sliced its felt cover with a very sharp knife and proceeded to rip it to shreds. The billiard queues had been broken in half, the balls were strewn about the room; one had even gotten stuck in the wall paneling after a powerful throwing attack. Everything which was even remotely fragile had been shattered into a thousand pieces. The whole place had the appearance of a tornado having moved through at full speed.

Right in front of Chakotay something gleamed silvery in the light, and when he took a closer look he found it to be Janeway's communicator, also crushed. No wonder she hadn't answered his hails.

Janeway herself was nowhere in sight. At first Chakotay thought that the computer had misinformed him concerning her location, but then he heard something, very faint, coming from behind the bar. A muffled sob.

He quickly crossed the room, broken glass crunching beneath his boots. He moved around the bar, and there she was, huddled in a corner.

Her knees were drawn up to her chin, face buried in her hands. She looked like a small child, crying softly.

Chakotay kneeled down next to her and touched her arm. "Kathryn," he said softly, trying not to startle her.

Her head shot up and she shrank back from his voice. Her eyes were red and swollen, and there were small cuts on her hands and wrists. Taking in her whole form, Chakotay only now noticed that her uniform had several stains and tears in different places, but she did not seem to be seriously injured. She looked at him, and it took her a moment to realize who he was.

"Chakotay?" she finally said, her voice so small he almost didn't recognize it. It broke his heart to see her in this condition. The look in her eyes was one of utter despair and helplessness, and he did the only thing he could think of at that moment: He pulled her toward himself and enfolded her in his strong arms, trying to give her at least some measure of comfort and security.

Janeway did not resist. Tears sprang forth again and she cried uncontrollably, sobs racking her body.

Chakotay just held her. It didn't surprise him anymore that she had been hiding in the holodeck. She had needed an outlet for her frustration – the reason for which he had yet to find out, although he had a pretty good idea – but couldn't take the chance that the crew would see their usually unflappable captain losing control like this. The holodeck had been the only safe place on the ship – soundproof and full of breakables that would feel real to the touch but would leave no mess to clean up once the crisis was over.

Gradually, Janeway's sobs quieted and she pulled back from Chakotay to wipe at her eyes. He reached for one of the napkins stored behind the bar, untouched by her previous rage because of their softness and inability to shatter with a satisfying sound, and handed it to her. Janeway gratefully accepted it and blew her nose, then looked up at Chakotay. The unspoken question in his eyes re-ignited her anger and she pounded her knees, the napkin crunched and forgotten in one of her clenched fists.

"How the hell could I have been so blind?! You tried to tell me before, but I just didn't see, didn't _want_ to see it. Now look where I am: As soon as they find out everybody will be laughing at me. Oh, I've been such a fool!"

The crumpled napkin flew through the air, just barely missing Chakotay's right ear. Janeway looked around furiously for something else to throw, but Chakotay caught her wrists and forced her to look at him. "Let it out, Kathryn. Tell me about it. Breaking the rest of the furniture in this room won't make you feel any better, but talking about your problem will. I'm here to listen."

"My problem? What do you know about my problems? You didn't have anyone waiting for you back home, for all you cared we could have settled down and stayed in this quadrant forever. I thought _I_ had a life waiting for me!"

She struggled briefly to free herself from his grip but he didn't let go. Exhausted, she finally sank back against the wall. When she spoke again, her voice was tired and full of resignation. "How could I think that if we made it home things would be the same, no matter how long we had been gone? How could I assume or even expect that he would wait for me? It's been almost four years – life goes on, people change. Even if we had made it home a month, a year ago, it wouldn't have been the same."

She laughed, a bitter sound which Chakotay had never heard from her before. "But of course I thought that I could simply shake off all those years and pick up my old life where I left it when we departed from Deep Space Nine and headed for the Badlands." Her anger rose again. "Sometimes I wish I never heard of this damn ship! Why did it have to be us? And why did I have to destroy that array? I had no right to destroy the lives of everybody aboard this ship."

"If you had to face the same dilemma again, would your decision be different now?" Chakotay's voice was low and even, not really asking a question but rather stating a fact which she had purposely tried to avoid.

Janeway's gaze dropped to her hands which were still caught in Chakotay's firm grasp. She slightly moved her fingers, without actually trying to free them. "No," she whispered.

"Then you should finally forgive yourself for stranding _Voyager_ here. They've done it long ago." A slight movement of his head included all areas of the ship and all the people contained within her hull.

The look she cast him was still full of doubt. Not about them, he realized, but about herself, her ability to give the crew what they needed: a strong leader, ready to face the demons of the Delta Quadrant without ever looking back, even if it meant personal sacrifice.

"They look up to you and admire you for having the strength to make the decision and stick with it, however unpopular it may be. It is all right to question your decisions, reevaluate them and sometimes even decide to amend them, but not this one. Not this decision, Kathryn."

Chakotay lifted his hand and caught Janeway's chin to make her look straight into his eyes. "If you hadn't destroyed the Caretaker's array, the Ocampa would have perished in a generation or two. I don't think anyone aboard this ship would want to be back in the Alpha Quadrant right now, knowing that an entire race paid the price for their return."

"And look at them." He released her face and moved his hand in a large circle, seemingly rendering the walls of the holodeck transparent where it passed, so they could look out into the different areas of the ship. "When you look at your crew, don't you see that they are happy? Yes, they all still want to get home, but meanwhile they've made new lives aboard _Voyager_. They've changed, become a family. And you are a very important part of that family."

Janeway smiled, the first smile he'd seen from her the whole day. "I have changed, too," she said slowly, shaking her head as if trying to clear it. "I just didn't want to admit it until today. Mark's letter forced me to face the truth, but I had been denying that truth for so long that I couldn't accept it." She looked around at the mess she had created in her rage, and actually had to chuckle slightly. "I guess it was stronger than me."

Chakotay patted her shoulder. "I'm just glad you didn't destroy your quarters. That would have been much harder to explain."

Janeway's expression sobered. "Promise you won't tell anyone."

"And destroy your reputation as a reckless captain with nerves of steel and a heart of stone? That would be insubordination, and you'd have me thrown in the brig." His grin was infectious.

"I'm glad you remember who the boss is around here."

Chakotay rose, then extended a hand to help Janeway get to her feet. "Permission to invite the captain to dinner tonight, to help her come off of her bleak thoughts about the past and the future?"

"Permission granted." Janeway smiled again, then on an impulse leaned forward and hugged her first officer. "Thank you for being such a good friend. I could never have made it through the past years without you."

He hugged her back and for a moment they just stood like that, leaning on each other for the emotional support that was so hard to get at this distance from home. Finally Chakotay released her and offered her his arm instead. "Let's get you cleaned up and ready for dinner. I'm starving, and I'm sure Neelix is already wondering where we are."

Janeway nodded and wrapped her hand around his arm. After taking one last look around the room she addressed the computer. "End Program."

Everything around them vanished, leaving only a small, silver and golden metal object in the middle of the room, reflecting the light from the holodeck grids. Janeway picked it up and looked at it thoughtfully, then closed her hand around it and turned toward the door. "Let's go."

Chakotay merely nodded, and together they left the now empty room behind.

-==/\==-


	2. Friends (by Hester)

_NOTE: Please see Chapter 1 for a general disclaimer and further information on the genesis of this series._

**'With a Little Help' Series: Chapter 2  
**Originally written June 1998; first published July 1998; republished here October 2012 with just a few minor edits

**Friends  
by Hester (hester4418)**

"But Chakotay, I feel fine. I don't have to go to sickbay!"

"You may feel fine, but have you looked at yourself recently? Frankly, you look like hell."

"Chakotay!" She was shocked that he would talk to her like that. Then she looked down and only now noticed the state of her uniform. Cuts and tears everywhere, bare skin showing in more places than she could remember showing in a long time. She was also bleeding from several scratches and minor abrasions, mostly on her hands and wrists. What she couldn't see was her face, but she guessed that her eyes were still red and puffy from crying, and she probably had a few scratches there as well. "All right", she relented, letting Chakotay lead her toward sickbay.

Miraculously, they didn't meet anyone on their way. When they entered sickbay, the doctor was just finishing off a biological experiment and greeted them exuberantly, ready to relate all about his newest discoveries to whoever it was that came through the doors. When his eyes fell on Janeway however, his whole demeanor changed in an instant and his face turned grim.

"Are you going to tell me what happened, or should I save my breath?" he inquired, adopting his usual sarcastic undertone which indicated he already knew the answer.

Janeway shot Chakotay one of her maybe-we-_should_-reprogram-that-obnoxious-hologram-after-all looks, then turned back to the doctor and, in the sternest voice she could manage, said, "You guessed correctly, Doctor. I'd rather not talk about it."

The doctor huffed, but didn't say another word. The captain looked over at Chakotay, victory gleaming mischievously in her eyes.

After ten minutes of waving different instruments up and down her body, the doctor announced, "There, good as new. May I suggest you leave the safety protocols in place the next time you 'enjoy' the holodeck?"

Janeway's head shot up and she glared at him, but he only smiled smugly.

"You didn't seriously think that you could endanger your life on this ship without my knowledge? Captain, you should know me better than that. As soon as a member of the crew disables the safety protocols, I am automatically informed so I can prepare for possible casualties." This last was said with a satisfied nod.

Chakotay, who had been standing off to the side ever since they entered the doctor's domain, had a hard time suppressing a grin.

Janeway slid off the biobed and tried to nail the doctor with one of her famous 'captain stares' but he didn't seem the least bit affected. Her tone of voice however actually made him take a step back. "We'll have to talk about this 'casualty warning', Doctor. I want a report about who installed this 'wake-up call' for you, and I want it on my desk first thing tomorrow morning. Is that understood?"

"Completely, Captain," replied the hologram, not quite as self-assured anymore as before.

Without another look back, Janeway walked out the door, Chakotay trailing behind her.

-==/\==-

"What?" Janeway asked, slightly annoyed, when they entered the turbolift and she noticed the still spreading grin on her first officer's face.

"Oh, nothing," he replied, "I'm simply amazed at how you always do that."

"Do what?" She was intrigued now and leaned closer, effectively invading his personal space and forcing him to take a step back – a very small step since the turbolift didn't offer much room for escape.

"You're probably the only person aboard this ship who can threaten the doctor with deactivation in a way that he believes it, and you don't even have to say the words."

"He'll get over it," she replied dryly. "By tomorrow morning he'll have a whole bunch of excuses and justifications for his actions. He might even convince me that this _is_ a good idea." Her smile returned, turning mischievous. "If not, I'll simply have to 'threaten' him again."

"You're the boss." Chakotay grinned.

The turbolift door opened and they stepped out, advancing toward Janeway's quarters. After walking inside she headed straight for her bedroom. "Why don't you sit down? I'll only be a minute," she called over her shoulder.

"All right," Chakotay replied, not really listening since his attention was caught by a few padds lying on the floor, seemingly having been strewn about the room in a random manner. He bent to pick them up and noticed that one of them was broken. It didn't take much to imagine what had happened to it, the memory of the devastated holodeck was still too fresh in his mind. Looking around, Chakotay also noticed a pile of cushions on the floor near the far wall. He correctly assumed that Janeway had taken out her frustrations on these relatively safe objects before deciding to actually break something that couldn't be replaced. He admired the fact that, angry as she had been, she had still had the ability to think clearly enough to realize that she would only be sorry and more depressed later if she destroyed her quarters. The holodeck had been the only sensible choice.

His musings were interrupted by his captain's return from the other room. She blushed when she saw him cleaning up the mess she had created and hurried over to snatch the pillows from his hands. "I didn't mean for anyone to see this..." she murmured, more than a little embarrassed.

"It's all right," Chakotay assured her. "I smashed a coffee cup or two over there." A slight motion of his head indicated his own quarters next door.

"Really?" Janeway was intrigued. "When was that?"

Chakotay's expression darkened. Thoughts of Seska and her betrayal of him, Riley Frazier and his subsequent feelings of guilt, as well as several arguments with Janeway flitted through his mind. "I'd rather not talk about it."

"I understand." Janeway's comforting hand on his arm and her sympathetic gaze calmed him and chased the dark thoughts away. Smiling again, he offered her his arm. "Shall we?"

"By all means." Together, they exited her quarters, the broken padd on the couch table the only remaining indication of the storms that had reigned earlier.

-==/\==-

The mess hall was busy, but not overcrowded. Most people had already eaten and only stayed on for a drink and a chat, and Neelix was busy cleaning up his kitchen and at the same time making sure that everybody was happy.

When he noticed Janeway and Chakotay approaching his counter, the Talaxian greeted them with his usual exuberance. "Captain, Commander, it's so good to see you. Although," he eyed Chakotay curiously, "aren't you usually on the holodeck at this time, Commander?"

Chakotay shot Janeway an amused look, once again surprised at how Neelix kept track of everything going on aboard _Voyager_. "That's right," he began slowly, searching for an answer that wouldn't add to Neelix' insatiable curiosity. "I... Someone got the time schedule confused. The good captain here was so nice as to escort me to dinner instead."

Neelix nodded happily. "Ah, and if I may say so, Captain, you look much better." He beamed at Janeway who couldn't help laughing.

"Better than when?"

The short alien leaned toward her and whispered conspiratorially, "Of course _I_ didn't believe it, but someone – let's not mention any names, all right? – someone claimed that you looked ready to push someone out an airlock today, or that you would even jump out yourself if no one else was handy. But," he leaned back and his voice regained its normal volume, "those were just rumors. Everybody can see that there's no truth to them whatsoever."

Janeway was taken aback by what she had just heard and didn't respond, so Chakotay took the initiative.

"Neelix, is there anything left to eat? I'm starving."

"Of course!" Neelix instantly jumped into action. "In fact you picked a very good evening indeed! There is some Kedarian stew left – I guarantee that you will love it!" Before Chakotay could say another word, Neelix had already disappeared toward the back of the kitchen.

Chakotay turned toward Janeway. "Kathryn? Are you all right?"

"Yes, yes, I'm fine," she replied, still somewhat absent-minded. Then she looked at him and laughed, but it wasn't the genuine, happy laugh from before. "Looks like I'll have to be even more careful in the future. This crew is far more perceptive than I thought."

Chakotay's reply was cut off by the returning Talaxian. "Here it is, Kedarian stew – the best you will get on this side of the galaxy," he beamed proudly.

They took the proffered plates and Janeway thanked Neelix with a smile that almost fooled Chakotay, but he could see that she was still deeply troubled.

They chose a table near the back of the room, secluded enough so they could speak without being overheard. They were completely unaware of the conversation which was going on on the other side of the mess hall.

"B'Elanna, you're seeing things. Look at her – she's smiling."

"Oh, you can be such an insensitive pig sometimes. Didn't you see how her face fell when Neelix talked to her? And Chakotay didn't look too happy, either."

"She's right, Tom. Neelix must have told her. I told you to keep your mouth shut! Now it'll be all over the ship, and sooner or later we'll get in trouble."

"Harry, Harry, you still don't realize it. We already were in trouble before those two ever walked in. The captain wants the doctor's report first thing tomorrow morning, and she'll not be pleased when she finds out that we helped him set up that automated call. Hey, how did you find out it was her in there anyway?"

"The doctor asked me to download the holodeck logs for his report, and I accidentally glanced at it long enough to see who had fallen into the trap."

"Accidentally? I don't believe you. B'Elanna..."

"All right, all right. I was curious. What would you have done?!"

"The same." He grinned.

"So what are we going to do about this?"

"I'd say, let's wait and sit quietly until tomorrow morning. See, she already looks much better again. Chakotay will calm her down."

"He's definitely good for her. Did you see how happy she was when they walked in? No comparison to her mood this afternoon. She didn't even notice me when she stormed down the corridor. I wonder if he found her in the holodeck or if she came to him to talk later?"

"Ah, so you _do_ have a romantic side lurking behind that fierce Klingon exterior. I knew it – ouch!"

"Watch your mouth, Lieutenant! I was merely saying –"

"– that he is good for her. I know. But did you have to kick me for that?!"

"I'm sorry."

"I bet you are."

"Hey, calm down, you two. People are beginning to stare."

"Stay out of this, Harry. Or, on second thought, what do you think? Is the commander good for the captain?"

"I... err, I don't know. I guess she does need someone to talk to occasionally..."

"What if she needs more than just 'talking'?"

"Look, I really don't think we should be prying into her personal life like that. We'll get in trouble if she ever finds out about this."

"Which brings us back to the old problem with the doctor's call..."

On the far side of the room, Janeway was picking at her food. Chakotay tried his best to cheer her up.

"If you keep that up, Neelix will be over here in no time, asking what's wrong."

"Huh? I'm sorry, I was thinking..."

Chakotay leaned closer and covered her free hand with his. "Stop worrying about it. You needed an outlet for your frustration, and you found it. That's only human, end of story. They won't think any less of you because of that, rather the contrary."

Janeway sighed heavily. "I know, but to think that they saw me like that, completely out of control – how can they still trust me to control the ship, if I can't even control myself?"

"But that's just it, you don't _have_ to control yourself every single minute of the day. Sometimes a good temper tantrum in front of the crew can work miracles."

Janeway finally took a bite of Neelix' stew and was pleasantly surprised at the taste. "Really? I take it you're speaking from experience, so do tell."

"There was no fixed command structure within the Maquis, so whoever had the best leadership abilities and/or the loudest voice became captain. Once you had the job you were constantly challenged by others who thought they could do it better – or had an even louder voice."

Janeway chuckled, and Chakotay was gratified to see her good mood return.

"Was that how you got command of that ship we followed?"

"Almost. B'Elanna had the loudest voice, but she decided to play with the engines instead. So she lobbied for me – and you know how persuasive she can be once she's set her mind on something." He grinned.

Janeway returned the grin, all the while digging into her food with newfound appetite. "I remember hearing about a broken nose or two in engineering..."

"You should have seen her in the Maquis. We redefined the term 'short-tempered' especially for her."

The captain laughed out loud, then self-consciously looked around the room to see if anyone had noticed – and looked straight into B'Elanna Torres' eyes. Blushing slightly, she turned away, but from the corner of her eye she watched her chief engineer turn back to her companions – Tom and Harry, who else would it be – and start up a heated discussion over the course of which both men attempted to steal secret glances in the direction of their commanding officers.

"They're talking about us," Janeway whispered, pretending to be immensely interested in her food and nothing else around her.

"Who is?" Chakotay looked around.

"Don't look! The 'terrible threesome' – Tom, B'Elanna and Harry."

Chakotay cast a casual look in the direction she indicated. "How can you tell? To me, it rather looks like they're fighting."

"Oh, they are, but about us. When B'Elanna saw me looking at her, she almost crawled under the table in embarrassment."

Janeway's remarks made Chakotay more than a little curious. "And just what do you think they have to say about 'us'?"

His emphasis on the last word did not go unnoticed. Janeway squirmed, faintly uncomfortable. "You know... Or did you think I wasn't aware of the rumors?"

"Actually, I didn't think you were." Chakotay's face had turned serious. Then he smiled. "Your spies must be better than I thought. Does it bother you?"

"The rumors? I don't know... Most of the time, no." She finished off the last part of her meal, then leaned back and looked straight at her first officer. "Does it bother you?"

"Not really. There was a time when I had to threaten a few people to keep it down, but it's been relatively quiet since then."

"I see." She was touched. He went to so much trouble to make sure most of the crew's problems were resolved without her ever hearing about it. She had her own ways of keeping up-to-date though, and there wasn't much that passed her by.

The mess hall had cleared out considerably by then; only four tables remained occupied. Neelix scurried over to his favorite customers.

"Well, how did you like the stew?"

"It was wonderful," Janeway assured him, and Chakotay agreed. "I think this was the best meal you've offered all week."

Neelix beamed with pride. "And it's not even that difficult to make. You simply take –"

Chakotay rolled his eyes and Janeway could barely suppress her laughter. She got up and stretched, for the first time that day actually feeling somewhat relaxed.

Neelix' voice droned on in the background. "Then you take a little pepper, black pepper, just a small amount, not too much, and –"

Suddenly Chakotay's mouth was right next to Janeway's ear. "If we left now, do you think he would even notice?"

She shot him an amused look. "You wouldn't dare."

Chakotay shrugged, a half-grin playing on his lips.

Janeway turned back to Neelix and placed her hand on his arm in an attempt to catch his attention.

"... for about 30 minutes. Then – Yes, Captain?"

"Neelix, that really is a fascinating recipe and I'll make sure to try it one day. However, I am quite tired and all I want right now is a long, hot bath and then my bed. If you would excuse me?"

"Oh, of course, Captain. Pleasant dreams."

"Thank you, Neelix. Good night."

"Good night, Captain. Commander."

"Good night, Neelix," Chakotay added and followed Janeway who was already on her way to the door. He was keenly aware of three pairs of eyes following their every move, and he would have bet a week's worth of replicator rations that a certain discussion would start up again as soon as Janeway and himself were out of earshot. He didn't mind. If the gossip got too out of hand, he had his ways to stop it.

-==/\==-

Janeway was quiet during their walk through the corridors. She had always liked the ship at night, it was so peaceful. This was the time when she could most easily forget the fact that they were in the Delta Quadrant, still thousands of light years away from home and surrounded by a multitude of unknown and potentially hostile aliens.

Chakotay's thoughts were much the same. Their talk about the command structure – or rather lack thereof – in the Maquis had suddenly made him realize that he didn't miss that old life at all. If anything, he missed his comparatively quiet life as a commander in Starfleet, which was essentially what he was again now. He also realized that part of Janeway's earlier accusations were true; even though he did want to see his friends and family in the Alpha Quadrant again, it did not make that much difference to him whether their journey back took another two or another twenty years. He had no strong binding ties to anyone back home and thus could cope quite well with their present situation. For most of the other crew members the transition had not been that easy, but sooner or later they had all found a way to adjust. And at last it seemed like their captain was ready to take that step as well.

They arrived at the entrance to Janeway's quarters and she turned around to face her first officer. She smiled apologetically. "I would ask you in, but I'm really tired. Like I told Neelix: A hot bath and then my bed, that's all I want for now. I might even fall asleep in the tub."

"Just be careful you don't drown, or I might have to rescue you again." Chakotay smiled. "On the other hand, we don't know yet how widespread the doctor's 'early warning system' is..."

"He'll get his share in the morning. I look forward to hearing his no doubt well-formulated excuses."

They laughed, but then Chakotay's expression turned serious. "Are you sure you'll be all right?"

Janeway smiled, touched by his concern. "I'll be fine. And if not, I know where to find you." Her right hand came up to lightly trace his jawbone. "Thank you again for being such a good friend," she whispered, leaning forward to place a soft kiss on his cheek. She smiled at him again, then turned around and disappeared into her quarters.

Chakotay watched as the doors slid closed behind her. Then he resumed his walk down the corridor to his own cabin.

-==/\==-


	3. Worries (by AA)

_NOTE: Please see Chapter 1 for a general disclaimer and further information on the genesis of this series._

**'With a Little Help' Series: Chapter 3  
**Originally written and first published July 1998; republished here October 2012 (edited for spelling and formatting only)

**Worries  
by A.A.**

"Yes, Doctor, of course I understand that you didn't mean to violate my privacy – but you did. And I want to know why, exactly."

The Doctor let out a holographic sigh. "Let's just say that some of your crew were concerned about you after..." He hesitated.

"Yes?" Janeway gave him a piercing look.

If it had been possible for the EMH's face to get flustered, it would have. "Eh... After we received our letters from home..." he stuttered.

She snorted. "I see – and I guess those same crew members helped you set up your 'automated distress call'?"

The Doctor nodded. "But, Captain, they... we... only had your best interest at heart..."

"I'm sure you had, Doctor. However, there are rules for situations like these – and the only ones with authority to override them are the first officer and the chief of security. In the future, you'll consult one of them – is that understood?"

"Yes, Captain."

"Dismissed."

-==/\==-

"Permission to speak freely, Captain?"

Janeway nodded.

"Well, Captain, Commander Chakotay is not really... objective... as far as you're concerned..."

"And what, exactly, do you mean by that, Lieutenant?"

For a moment, Tom Paris hesitated. Then, he thought _To hell with it_ and said, "Considering the fact that he's in love with you, Captain."

B'Elanna Torres and Harry Kim cringed. It took all of Kathryn Janeway's Starfleet training to keep herself under control – but she did.

"You could have consulted Commander Tuvok, in that case."

"Oh, come on, Captain – you know as well as we do that our friend Tuvok is not really an expert on human emotions!"

"You're bordering on insubordination, Lieutenant." She shot him a warning look. "Besides, Commander Tuvok has been my friend for many years, now, and although he never experienced human emotions, he's very well capable of understanding them. Next time, if you're... worried... about me, you'll consult him – is that understood?"

Tom sighed. "Yes Captain." B'Elanna and Harry just nodded.

"Dismissed."

-==/\==-

"I assume you agree we have a problem here, Chakotay..." Kathryn Janeway sighed.

Her first officer just nodded.

She continued. "We can't function as a command team if the crew thinks..." She paused.

"What are you trying to tell me, Kathryn? That I'd better go and help Neelix in the mess hall from now on?"

She could tell he was close to losing his temper. "No, of course not – I just think..." She paused again, and started pacing through his quarters.

"You think what, Kathryn?" He stepped close to her, more or less trapping her in between himself and the wall. "You think you can't have a first officer who's in love with you, even though he always respected the 'parameters' you 'defined' for him?" His dark eyes bore into hers.

Unable to speak, she just swallowed.

His voice lowered to a whisper. "Is this really about the crew, Kathryn? Or is it about you?"

His eyes were still locked with hers. She felt the heat rising to her cheeks. "Chakotay, I..." She looked away.

He stepped back, giving her space – like he always did.

"I don't know..." Well, at least that was honest.

Maybe it was time for him to be honest with her as well. "I hope you don't expect me to resign my commission on basis of _that_..."

"Of course not." She sighed. "I just wish I could have foreseen the mess I _really_ made, demolishing _Sandrine's_..."

He put a hand on her shoulder. "You couldn't have – and, besides, you needed to blow off some steam..."

She looked at him again. "There are other ways to do that."

The words were out before she realized how they could be interpreted – or maybe she even meant them that way...

She didn't know anymore; all she knew at that moment were his deep brown eyes, gazing into hers and his hands on her shoulders – his thumbs caressing the skin just above her grey turtleneck.

"Let me make you forget about your worries, Kathryn – even if it's only for a moment," Chakotay whispered, before he claimed her mouth with his own.

-==/\==-


	4. Plans (by Hester)

_NOTE: Please see Chapter 1 for a general disclaimer and further information on the genesis of this series._

**'With a Little Help' Series: Chapter 4  
**Originally written and first published November 1999; republished here October 2012 with only a few minor edits

**Plans  
by Hester (hester4418)**

When Tuvok entered Janeway's ready room, she noticed at once that he looked distinctly uncomfortable. He would have denied it of course – after all, Vulcans didn't show emotions – but she had known him long enough and well enough to be able to interpret even the slightest nuances.

She motioned for him to sit which he declined, as she had known he would. It was an endless game between them. As a concession to his serious stance she moved her feet, which had been propped up on her desk, and swiveled around to face her chief of security directly.

"Yes, Tuvok?" she finally gave him the cue he was waiting for.

"Captain," he began, uncharacteristically searching for the right words to broach the delicate subject. "I have just become aware of certain... rumors circling on the ship."

Janeway knew immediately where the conversation was headed. "Yes?" she prompted, struggling to decide between showing interest or feigning indifference. One would be just as bad as the other; she needed to stall, buy herself time to think. "What kinds ... exactly ... of rumors are we speaking about?"

If Tuvok had been prone to fidgeting, he would have. Being the Vulcan he was however, he decided to get the matter over and done with at once. After all, that was only logical.

"About you. And Commander Chakotay." A simple statement. He would leave it to her to draw the right conclusions.

"Oh." Ignorance. That was it. She could pretend she'd never had the slightest suspicion. No sense in letting Tuvok know that not only did she tolerate, she even enjoyed most of the rumors she came across.

"What do you think caused these rumors?" she asked, barely containing her amusement.

"Permission to speak freely, Captain?"

"Of course."

Tuvok straightened. "You were flirting," he said simply. Feeling the need to further clarify his statement, he added, "More so than would be considered appropriate for the captain of a Federation starship and her first officer."

_Trust it to a Vulcan to state it bluntly_, Janeway thought. He was right though. They had always been flirting, sometimes more, sometimes less, usually in front of the crew but never with any serious thoughts behind it. Over the past two weeks however, something had changed. Their flirting had become more intense, sometimes even bordering on sexual, especially when they were alone. And she could pinpoint exactly _when_ it had changed.

-==/\==-

Janeway's thoughts returned to that fateful evening in Chakotay's quarters, almost two weeks ago.

His kiss had taken her completely by surprise. Her first instinct had been to struggle, push him away and flee, but deep down inside something told her that she was tired of battling, tired of pushing him away again and again. And so she just let go, losing herself in his embrace and his kiss. Her mind went blank, all her worries, regrets and pent-up emotions falling from her and leaving her light and free, floating on the sweet sensation of being held and kissed by someone who cared. She felt safe, warm and protected. Molding her body to his and kissing him back, she wished that he should never let her go.

Chakotay ran his hands down Janeway's back, caressing her and gathering her even closer. He knew he had been taking a chance, surprising her like he had, but she had looked so vulnerable and forlorn that he just couldn't think of another method to show her how much he cared.

It was quite a while before Chakotay finally broke the kiss and drew back just enough to look into Janeway's eyes. They were brimming with tears but she smiled, happier and more relaxed than he had seen her in days. He lifted his hand to wipe her tears away, but she shook her head and hugged him, laying her cheek against his chest.

"Thank you," she whispered. "I needed that."

He returned the hug and ran a hand through her hair. "I knew you did," he said simply.

Then she stepped back, out of his embrace and his reach. "I'd better go now."

Chakotay nodded. "You know where to find me if you need me."

She seemed to seize him up, weighing his words and what they meant. Finally satisfied by what she saw she nodded. "Good night, Chakotay."

Somehow his name sounded different in his ears, softer than usual.

"Sleep well, Kathryn," he replied, wishing he could hug her again but not daring to invade her personal space once more. She still looked fragile, but not quite as vulnerable as before. Another nod, another long look, and she was gone, leaving him with a tingling sensation in his stomach and an ache in his heart.

-==/\==-

Janeway's thoughts were jerked back to the present when Tuvok cleared his throat. She realized that he was still waiting for her reaction, and that her response was taking far too long already.

"I'm afraid you're right, Tuvok. We've been overdoing it, and we shouldn't have. The whole atmosphere on the ship was so relaxed lately that I guess we got a bit carried away. I'm sorry. I'm sure the next emergency will take care of the problem."

Her attempt at humor was met by Tuvok's unyielding glare.

Janeway sighed. "All right, that wasn't funny. But I assure you that we'll keep it down from now on, so those rumors should die down as well."

Tuvok nodded his approval.

Believing the conversation to be over, Janeway turned to her computer screen. "If that is all...?"

Tuvok didn't move an inch. "Actually, Captain, there is another matter I would like to discuss."

Sighing inwardly, Janeway returned her attention to her chief of security. "Yes?"

"The doctor approached me concerning the emotional well-being of the crew. He believes that the holodecks should be equipped with an extra security subroutine which would prevent crew members from disabling the safety protocols. Apparently there have been several cases of minor injuries which happened as a direct result of our recent encounter with the Hirogen and the emotional upheaval caused by the messages received from home. The doctor is afraid that more crew members could injure themselves in an attempt to purge their frustrations by running dangerous holodeck programs with the safeties off."

_Very clever, Doctor_, Janeway thought. _Trying to get your way by following my orders to the letter. I did say you should consult Chakotay or Tuvok..._

Out loud she said, "I will take it under consideration. Will that be all?"

"Yes, Captain."

"Very well. Dismissed."

Tuvok turned and departed, leaving Janeway to ponder her thoughts. It did not surprise her that the doctor would not let the matter rest, and she could understand his reasons. After all, she herself had proven how easy it could be to give in to the temptation of disabling the safety protocols. Maybe his 'early warning system' wasn't such a bad idea after all. If they kept it in place and let the crew know about it, it might just be enough to prevent further injuries. The knowledge of being supervised should keep most people from becoming too reckless, and if something did happen, the doctor would be alerted instantly. She would discuss it with Chakotay and get his opinion, but she was pretty sure he would approve.

Chakotay. The mere thought of him made her heart skip a beat. She knew she was being unfair, leading him on without ever letting him get too close. She had been honest when she told him that she wasn't sure anymore what held her back, thoughts of what the crew might think or just her own fears. Maybe that was why she had been only too eager to respond to his flirting in a more and more reckless fashion, not caring who was around and who might hear. Truth be told, she had secretly watched the crew's reactions, trying to gauge whether they would approve of a closer relationship between her and Chakotay. So far, everything indicated that she had nothing to fear from that quarter. That the rumors had increased only proved that people cared about her and Chakotay's happiness, and that they would support them wherever possible. Which left her with the old question: Why couldn't she take the last step?

Then again, would it really be so hard? They were so close now, all they needed was just another small step, and they would be together.

Janeway suddenly realized that it would indeed have to be her to take that step. Chakotay would never do it; no matter how much he wanted her and how often he told her that he loved her and cared about her. He would never press the issue, always reigning in his own frustrations, giving her space, like he had that evening in his quarters. Sometimes she wondered if they would already be lovers if he had been a little less considerate of her feelings and a little more forceful in making his own desires known. Sometimes he was just too much the gentleman.

She laughed out loud, just then realizing that one moment she had been questioning the possibility of them ever becoming more than just close friends, and the next she had been silently chastising Chakotay for not pressing her for a decision a long time ago already. It almost seemed schizophrenic. If she was honest, really honest with herself, she had to admit there actually wasn't anything to decide. It wasn't a question of 'if' anymore, it had become a question of 'when'.

Startled by the sudden clarity of her thoughts, Janeway got up and moved to the windows to look out at the stars.

Now that the decision had been acknowledged (for it had been made a long time ago already, she just hadn't realized it until now), it seemed clear what she had to do. But how, she had no idea. She couldn't just walk up to Chakotay and say, 'By the way, I changed my mind. You were right all along. What's for dinner?' He would think she was toying with him once again. She had to surprise him, make it look like they arrived at the same decision at the same time, together.

An idea started to take shape in her mind and she smiled. He would be surprised indeed...

-==/\==-

Over dinner in the mess hall, Tuvok thought back to his discussion with Captain Janeway. She had seemed distant somehow, lost in thought and not really paying attention to the matter at hand. He had been surprised at her lack of concern about the rumors; maybe he should talk to Chakotay about it. After all, the first officer was just as responsible for the recent rise in crew's speculations as was the captain.

Tuvok's thoughts were interrupted by a voice from behind. "Mind if I sit down?"

He looked up. Tom Paris stood next to his table, tray in hand. He looked slightly uncomfortable, Tuvok noted. This intrigued him. During their whole time on _Voyager_, he could only recall two instances when Paris had asked permission to sit next to him, and both times every other seat in the mess hall had been occupied.

He nodded his approval. "Please."

Paris slid into the seat opposite the chief of security and started picking at his food. He silently cursed Harry and B'Elanna for talking him into this. Their words were still ringing in his ears...

"We've got to do _something_." B'Elanna Torres was getting impatient.

"Yes, but Tuvok? He'll laugh at us – or he _would_, if he weren't Vulcan."

Paris' dry retort wasn't received well. "The captain even said herself that we should talk to him – or would you rather try Chakotay?"

"You know him better than I do, you tell me."

"No."

Harry Kim's voice cut in. "Stop it, you two. I thought we all agreed on this."

"You did. I didn't."

"Tom..."

"Look, if you want to talk to Tuvok, fine. But leave me out of this, okay?"

Torres was getting angrier by the moment. "And whose idea was this whole business in the first place? Who set up the betting pools and fueled the rumors? None of us would be in this situation without _your_ great ideas."

Paris was about to reply when Kim interrupted, determination clear in his voice.

"Enough. If you keep tearing each other apart it won't help. How about we draw sticks," he extracted something from his salad which had the distinct appearance of hay and which none of them would have eaten anyway, "and whoever loses will have to talk to Tuvok. No more arguments."

Grudgingly, the other two agreed, and Kim proceeded with his preparations for the 'lottery'...

Paris sighed inwardly. Of course he had lost. He should have refused while he still had the chance.

He stole a glance at Torres and Kim's table. They gave him a thumbs-up and encouragingly nodded in Tuvok's direction.

Paris mentally prepared himself. Better to get this over with quickly.

"Tuvok, there's something I've been meaning to ask you..."

Tuvok regarded him steadily, not a hint of curiosity showing in his impassive features. "Yes, Lieutenant?"

"I was wondering if you had noticed that quite a few couples have formed aboard _Voyager_ over the past few months."

"Indeed, I am aware of the development."

_So far, so good_, Paris thought. "Then no doubt you are also aware that some people keep to themselves even though everyone else thinks that they should be involved?"

Something in Tuvok's eyes showed Paris that he'd gotten him interested. _Here goes nothing._

"Undoubtedly you are referring to the rumors circulating the ship; rumors which you, I presume, are eager to spread and keep alive." Tuvok's stare was positively intimidating now.

Paris refused to back down. Affecting a conviction he didn't really feel, he nodded enthusiastically. "Exactly. And you know what?"

No answer was forthcoming. He hadn't expected one, either. "I think they need a push in the right direction, to realize that there is absolutely nothing to keep them from doing what the rumors say they're already doing anyway."

Tuvok purposefully put his fork down. "Lieutenant, even you should be aware that regulations state –"

"– that fraternization among senior officers is not deemed appropriate onboard a Federation starship. Believe me, I've read the book, I know the rules. But try to forget those rules and regulations for just one moment, and look at our specific situation: We're decades away from home, and no new personnel will be coming aboard anytime soon. It's only natural that people are starting to pair off. None of us have your ability to suppress our emotions for any length of time and besides, our life spans are much shorter than yours. Humans are made to live in pairs, Tuvok. Everyone should be allowed to have a relationship with whoever she or he pleases, and before they're too old to enjoy it."

Tuvok was beginning to think that there might be a point to the conversation after all.

"And why are you coming to me with this... 'plight'?"

"Because I think that some people on this ship – actually one person in particular – might look to you as an example for conduct becoming a senior officer. Only that in this case your way of life may not be the most desirable for that person's continued health and happiness. And only you can convince her otherwise – discreetly of course, because Vulcans probably don't like being thought of as matchmakers."

Paris sat back, having said all he wanted to say. He couldn't tell though if it had been enough, whether he had convinced Tuvok of his views.

After several minutes of silence, Tuvok picked up his fork again. "Your line of reasoning appears sound. My way of life may indeed prove a wrong example for the psychological well-being of certain crew members. I will endeavor to correct these crew members' views... in a manner which will not arouse suspicion by said individuals." And he continued eating, effectively dismissing the younger lieutenant.

Paris almost cheered. Instead he just grabbed his tray and stood, a huge grin plastered on his face. "Thanks, Tuvok. I knew I could count on you." And he was off, making his way back to B'Elanna and Harry who had been watching the entire exchange with growing impatience and curiosity.

And Tuvok began to plan...

-==/\==-


	5. Misconceptions (by AA)

_NOTE: Please see Chapter 1 for a general disclaimer and further information on the genesis of this series._

**'With a Little Help' Series: Chapter 5  
**Originally written and first published as two separate parts December 1999 and April 2000; republished here October 2012 (with the exception of two changed words edited for spelling and formatting only)  
Episode references: Unforgettable, Counterpoint

**Misconceptions  
by A.A.**

Commander Chakotay was pacing through his quarters, feeling restless.

That morning, when he had passed the captain's ready room on his way to the bridge, he had overheard Commander Tuvok talking to her: "You were flirting."

Although eavesdropping wasn't normally his style, he had come to a stop in front of the closed doors to hear Tuvok continue: "More so than would be considered appropriate for the captain of a Federation starship and her first officer."

He hadn't heard Kathryn's response – maybe she hadn't even responded – but he had heard enough: He knew that, without Tuvok's approval, she would _never_ pursue a 'real' relationship with him.

He shouldn't have kissed her, that evening in his quarters, but he just hadn't been able to stop himself: she had looked so... fragile... It had seemed like she needed it.

Actually, that was exactly what she had told him, right then. Right now, however, he felt like he had taken advantage of the situation, and of her.

What seemed like... eons... ago, he had promised her that, for him, her needs would come first – and he intended to _keep_ that promise, no matter what.

In the last few weeks, their flirting had become... 'worse'... than it had ever been - he had to admit to himself that Tuvok had had a point, there. Nevertheless, he silently cursed the Vulcan for having given Kathryn a hard time about it, not in the least because he felt it had ruined their chances of finally becoming more than 'just' friends.

-==/\==-

After his conversation with Lieutenant Paris, Commander Tuvok had been thinking long and hard about how he could make his captain and friend see that living in emotional... exile... for over four years would be hard, even for a _Vulcan_ female – and, moreover, that neglecting her own needs, in that respect, would ultimately affect the well-being of her crew.

He still didn't think it was appropriate for the captain and the commander to flirt in public – especially not on the bridge, like they had been doing, lately – but what they did in private was a different matter, considering the circumstances.

Tuvok sighed. (Not that he would have admitted it, of course: he would have stated that he was simply exhaling.)

He had promised Tom Paris that he would 'not arouse suspicion by said individuals'. However, the more he thought about it, the more he became convinced that a plotting and scheming Vulcan would arouse nothing _but_ suspicion.

He would have to handle this in the same way he always handled things: as straight-forward as possible. This meant that he would have to talk to Commander Chakotay, if he intended to keep his promise to Lieutenant Paris.

-==/\==-

In the meantime, Chakotay had come to the conclusion that he would spare himself the humiliation of being turned down, yet again – besides, he knew how much Kathryn would hate herself for it. Nevertheless, she would do it because she would think she had no choice, having been reminded by Tuvok that she was a Starfleet captain and that she should act accordingly.

_Damn_ that Vulcan...

At precisely that moment, his door signal chimed.

"Come in." His voice sounded quite annoyed, even to his own ears.

The doors opened, revealing... Tuvok...

"Good evening, Commander – I would like a few moments of your time to discuss a... personal... matter."

Chakotay didn't say anything in response but gestured Tuvok to sit down. He, himself, kept standing, partly turned away from the Vulcan.

Tuvok sat down and continued: "It's about the captain and... yourself..."

At that, Chakotay slowly turned around to frontally face Tuvok and glared at him, icily. "If you have come to lecture me about our recent behavior on the bridge, you can save both _your_ time and mine: it won't happen again."

Before Tuvok had had the opportunity to point out that that was _not_ the reason he had come, the first officer had added: "Dismissed."

Being a well-trained Starfleet officer, Commander Tuvok simply stood and left. The matter at hand would have to wait.

-==/\==-

Curled up on the couch with a mug of coffee in her hands, Kathryn Janeway smiled to herself. Tomorrow, they would reach a small, uninhabited M-class planet in orbit of twin sun-like stars which, according to some merchants they had met, was quite paradisiacal – the only reason it was still uninhabited was its remarkable distance from their home worlds.

She smiled to herself, once again: she was fairly convinced Chakotay wouldn't mind being... abducted... to a place like that.

If she only knew what was about to happen in the quarters next door...

-==/\==-

When Tuvok had left, Chakotay had smashed his half-empty dinner plate against the wall.

Just after he had finished picking up the pieces, his door signal chimed again.

"Yes."

He realized he felt pretty exhausted.

The doors opened and Lieutenant Johnsson entered his quarters. Seeing the fragments in his hands, she hesitated. "If this is a bad time..."

Chakotay shook his head. "No – please, sit down, while I get rid of these." He nodded at the remainders of his dinner plate in his hands. Then, he walked over to the replicator and put them in the recycling compartment.

When Commander Chakotay came back into his living room, he smiled at Lieutenant Johnsson. "Now, what can I do for you, Anna?"

She just looked at him, somewhat concerned. "I don't mean to pry but..." She was trying to find the right words. "Honestly, I think I should ask what _I_ can do for _you_..." A hint of a smile appeared on Anna Johnsson's face. "...considering the fact that your dinner ended up against the wall..."

Chakotay looked at the stains on the wall which he hadn't even seen, before. His expression saddened. "Look, Anna, I don't want to bother you with my personal problems..."

She snorted. "I'm the counselor, remember? Moreover, I'm your friend..." Anna stood up from her chair. "What you need..." She walked over to the replicator. "With your permission..."

He nodded at her, his lips starting to curve into a smile.

"Computer, one glass of real brandy, authorization JOHNSSON-2-18-1-14-4-25." She grinned at him. "The trick my friend taught me..."

"Make that two glasses of real brandy, Computer." Chakotay had walked up behind her and put his arms around her to take the glasses of brandy from the replicator.

After she had turned around, he handed her one. "You know, I should put you on report for this."

"I know..." She glanced at him slyly. "...but you won't..."

He emptied his glass in one go and put it down. "That would depend..." Stepping closer to her, he whispered into her ear: "...on the... bribe... you're offering..."

Anna Johnsson froze. This was something she had _never_ expected to happen – and, for a moment, she didn't know what to do. She realized Chakotay was about to kiss her and she didn't want him to. Well, she _did_ – but _not_ just for him to be able to forget about someone else, for a short period of time...

She put both her hands on his chest, warding him off. With effort, she looked him in the eye. "You know as well as I do that kissing _me_, right now, won't solve anything."

Avoiding her eyes, Chakotay stepped away from her and sighed. "You're right, of course - I'm sorry..." He started pacing through his quarters. More to himself than to her, he continued: "I just seem to screw up _everything_, these days..."

Anna walked up to him and put her hand on his shoulder. "If you want to talk, you'll know where to find me, right?"

He nodded at her. "I will." Then, his mouth turned into a slight smile. "Thank you, Anna."

She just smiled back at him, in return, and left.

-==/\==-

"Captain Janeway to the bridge." Tuvok's voice coming in over the comm system shook Kathryn Janeway out of her reverie.

"On my way, Tuvok – Janeway out."

A few minutes later, she stepped onto the bridge. "Report."

"Captain, we're being hailed by a Ramura 'Tracer' – she claims there's a... stowaway... on board _Voyager_."

-==/\==-

Commander Chakotay was sitting on the couch in his quarters, reading a hand-written personal log. He recognized it as his own but, nevertheless, didn't remember writing it.

"...and her soft, full lips touched my own..."

He didn't have _any_ memories of himself kissing and, in the end, even making love to this beautiful, blond woman named Kellin, as he had described in his personal log.

Chakotay wasn't the only one being confused: most of the _Voyager_ crew seemed to have... gaps... in their memories...

-==/\==-

On the bridge, Captain Janeway was lost in thoughts.

Yes, something _had_ changed between her and Chakotay, in the last few weeks (or, maybe, even months...) – but she couldn't put her finger on it.

Then, all of a sudden, Harry Kim spoke: "We're being hailed, Captain, audio only."

She stood up from her chair and started to speak. "This is Captain Kathryn Janeway of the Federation starship..."

Before she had even finished her sentence, a reply came in. "You have entered Devore space. Prepare to be boarded."

-==/\==-


	6. Bliss (by AA)

_NOTE: Please see Chapter 1 for a general disclaimer and further information on the genesis of this series._

**'With a Little Help' Series: Chapter 6  
**Originally written and first published May 2000; republished here October 2012 (edited for spelling and formatting only)  
Episode references: Counterpoint, Bliss

**Bliss  
by A.A.**

Even though she was convinced he would eventually betray her, Kathryn Janeway had thoroughly enjoyed the... electricity... in the air between her and Kashyk. When it finally... discharged... she realized it had actually surprised her that he hadn't tried to kiss her earlier – and if they had had more time... Well...

Kathryn knew that it had _nothing_ to do with love: it had _everything_ to do with power and competition – and with lust and need... It surprised her how much she had enjoyed playing this... game... and the fact that Kashyk had let them go, in the end, told her he felt the same way...

Nevertheless, she had clearly seen the... disapproval... (maybe _hurt_, even...) in Chakotay's eyes, no matter how hard he tried to hide it from her.

Chakotay... She wondered just where and when things had started to go so... wrong... between them... Would they still be able to make things... work... when they got home? (Because _that_ was what she'd secretly been hoping for, all these years...)

Well, Kathryn would find out soon: after those long years in the Delta Quadrant, they had finally found a stable wormhole leading to the Alpha Quadrant, through which they had already communicated with Starfleet Headquarters – they would be home in a couple of days!

-==/\==-

After their homecoming, Captain Janeway hadn't really seen much of her crew: she had been going from one debriefing to another, until Starfleet Headquarters had finally been filled in on everything they wanted to know about _Voyager_'s journey of years. At times, she had felt like she had to defend basically every decision she had made, over the years – and that hadn't always been easy.

Now, she had finally been granted some time off, so she could visit her mother and sister – and, of course, see her former fiancé Mark... She realized she actually dreaded seeing him again: she didn't really feel like being confronted with what could have been – and what most likely _would_ have been, if they had found the Hirogen interstellar communications network just a couple of months earlier...

If, if, if... Kathryn Janeway sighed. Mark would be visiting her that afternoon at her apartment within Starfleet Headquarters in San Francisco – he could be there any time, now.

When the door signal chimed, she had trouble finding her voice. "Come... come in..."

The doors opened to reveal Mark. He looked just the same as when she had left, all those years ago, except for the blond strands in his hair that had turned grey and the wrinkles around his eyes that seemed somewhat... deeper...

He stepped into her apartment. "Hi..."

"Hi..."

Mark had never been a man of many words but Kathryn was on the edge of tears.

"So, you cut your hair." Of all the things he could have said, right then, she hadn't expected him to say _that_. She realized this whole... situation... was just as awkward for him, as it was for her.

Self-consciously, she put a lock of hair behind her ear. "It seemed more... practical..."

Kathryn didn't tell him that, with her hair, she had tried to cut off the feelings of her first officer Chakotay for her – and how she had secretly hoped that, like her hair, she would be able to let them... grow... again, later... Right now, however, that didn't seem very likely to her: since _Voyager_'s homecoming she had only talked to Chakotay once – very briefly in one of the corridors at Starfleet Headquarters, in between two briefings – and she felt he had been quite... detached...

"I like it this way." Mark smiled at her.

She smiled back at him. "It took _me_ a while to get used to..."

He extended his hand to touch her face. Then, the tears she had held back, earlier, started to fall.

-==/\==-

Kathryn Janeway had never expected herself ever to sleep with a married man – but, now, she had.

Long after her tears had dried, Mark had still held her in his arms, the side of her head resting against his chest. Then, she had slowly turned her head to look at him – and he had looked back at her.

When she raised her hand to touch his face, his hand covered it and he started kissing her fingers. A soft, low moan escaped her throat. At that, he stopped what he was doing and looked at her again. There was something in his eyes she hadn't often seen, before – and she immediately knew what was going to happen, next.

Kathryn couldn't remember him kissing her so passionately. For a moment, her thoughts wandered... For a moment, she was on New Earth, again... _No_, she _wouldn't_ think of Chakotay – _not_ now... Then, Mark started kissing her neck and, soon, she stopped thinking, anyway.

-==/\==-

She sighed. He was still asleep behind her back, his arm secured around her waist. She realized how much she had missed the feeling of being held like that. Then, she decided she could also use some more sleep and closed her eyes, again.

-==/\==-

When Captain Janeway opened her eyes, again, she found herself on the floor of _Voyager_'s bridge. Her muscles felt very stiff and sore – she felt like her body had been in the same position for... days... Nevertheless, she got up quickly. "Location?"

Tom Paris, who had just... woken up... as well, looked at his console. "We're still in the Delta Quadrant..."

-==/\==-


	7. Confrontations (by Hester)

_NOTE: Please see Chapter 1 for a general disclaimer and further information on the genesis of this series._

**'With a Little Help' Series: Chapter 7  
**Originally started May 2000; revised and extensively added to October 2012; first published October 2012  
Episode references: (Hope and Fear, Timeless,) Bliss, Unforgettable, In the Flesh, Counterpoint (and probably a few others I can't recall)

******Confrontations**  
by Hester (hester4418)

Confusion reigned, and there didn't seem to be anything she could do about it. First, her well-laid plan about 'abducting' Chakotay on a paradisiacal planet had gone haywire when he turned out to be highly allergic to something in the planet's atmosphere and had started choking almost as soon as he had beamed down. Then various encounters with more or less benevolent species had followed and they had been presented with an almost certain way home no less than three times, only to be disappointed yet again. The ensuing mood swings among the crew had taken their toll on everyone, and tempers were running high. Janeway had her hands full with reports about altercations and several instances of physical fights, and she desperately wished for a bit of peace and quiet.

Somewhere along the way, Chakotay had turned away from her. She couldn't explain it, couldn't find any reason or event that might have triggered it, but he was not responding to her the way he used to and did not initiate any kind of personal conversation out of his own accord. Of course, after her conversation with Tuvok several months ago she had tried to avoid flirting with him in public, and she wasn't sure whether maybe Chakotay had interpreted her changed behavior the wrong way. More often than not, he tended to avoid her altogether.

Janeway sighed. She would have to talk to him. And she wanted to, but their recent encounter with the 'starship-eating monster', as Naomi Wildman called it, had all but complicated matters indefinitely. None of it had been real, and yet she remembered it as clearly as if it had happened only yesterday. And she couldn't help but wonder... If that entity had really tapped into their brains to present them with the scenario they most wanted to happen, then what did that tell her about herself and her innermost dreams? Did she really still love Mark that much? Rationally speaking, she would deny it, but then why had she slept with him in her 'vision'? And where the hell had Chakotay been?!

Disgusted with herself and her inability to figure out how to deal with everything that was happening around her, Kathryn Janeway forcefully slammed down her ever-present mug of coffee. Looking back at the past couple of weeks, even months, she suddenly realized that she had been used and manipulated, over and over again, not _acting_ but simply _re-acting_ to whatever anyone threw at her. This couldn't go on. _She_ couldn't go on. It was time for her to take her life, and her decisions, back into her own hands.

She rose quickly and stormed through the doors, her destination – once again – the holodeck.

-==/\==-

Meanwhile, Chakotay was fighting his own private battle. _Voyager_'s recent run-in with the Devore and the loathsome Kashyk had once more driven home just how far he and Kathryn had drifted apart. The ease with which she had deceived the 'Inspector' had impressed the first officer, but at the same time he couldn't help wondering just how persuasive she'd had to get. She had spent a lot of time alone with Kashyk, ostensibly trying to locate the elusive wormhole, and the ship's rumor mill had been working overtime. In the interest of ensuring her safety – or so Chakotay had told himself – he had sifted through all the gossip, trying to gauge if there was any truth behind it, and had hated himself for doing it at the same time.

He briefly wondered what had passed through _her_ head when he had gone to his 'date' with 'Valerie Archer' several weeks earlier. They had desperately needed more information on what Species 8472 was planning and hadn't had much choice how to get it. But the way Kathryn had questioned him before his beam-down, looking for signs of betrayal... He had sensed her distrust, directed at the whole crew, but at him in particular as he and Tuvok had been inside the alien habitat the longest. In hindsight, he felt like the protagonist from an old-fashioned spy novel, always ready to get up close and personal with the enemy, no matter what form that enemy might take. He had played along for the sake of the greater good, but hadn't told anyone just how revolting the experience had been, on more than one level. He wanted nothing more than to forget the whole episode.

And then there was the matter of Kellin. Contrary to Valerie, he did not even remember her, so what in the world had possessed him to fall in love with her, twice even? And to record all of it in detail? Looking back over the handwritten pages he felt like they had been composed by a love-struck teenager, full as they were of descriptive adjectives and assurances of his undying love for her. And where the hell had Kathryn been during all of that?!

-==/\==-

The holodeck was empty save for four solitary figures in the center of the room. Only one of them was moving, passing from one to the other, checking their appearances and making alterations where necessary. Her spoken commands to the computer were executed immediately and finally her steps slowed until she came to a halt opposite the three silent forms. Giving them another visual once-over, Kathryn Janeway contemplated which one she should activate first.

Immediately on her left, there was Kashyk. She had had him watched by security cameras every single minute he had spent aboard _Voyager_, so it had been easy for the computer to recreate his image and even extrapolate a personality subroutine from the security logs. How accurate this recreation was still remained to be seen.

In the middle, there was Mark. Janeway had created a holoimage of him during her first few months in the Delta Quadrant but hadn't accessed it in more than two years. Now she had updated his memory file to include recent events, complete with the experience they had shared in her vision. The real Mark would never know about that encounter, but for what she had in mind now, it was important that this one did. After all it had been all too real for her, so she had decided to deal with it as if it had actually happened.

Lastly, on her right side, there was Chakotay. The temptation had been great to dress him in his New Earth clothes, to remind her of the wonderful time they had shared, but with all that had occurred recently and also considering the current state of their relationship (if it could still be called that), it didn't seem appropriate. Accordingly, the commander's silent image was wearing his uniform, just as the captain was wearing hers.

A harsh sound escaped Janeway's throat. She had intended it to be laughter, but it sounded more like contempt. These were the three men who had been on her mind constantly for the past couple of weeks, sometimes separately, sometimes together, fighting for her attention. Today, she would have it out with them once and for all.

-==/\==-

Chakotay had been pacing for the last half hour, but he just could not concentrate. Too many thoughts and images were running through his mind, not just of Kellin and Valerie but also Seska, and, of course, Kathryn...

Running both hands through his hair in frustration, he sat down at his desk. "Computer, open personal log. Resume at last entry."

A soft chirp sounded. Chakotay closed his eyes and took a deep breath in preparation for what he wanted to say, but the ship's computer beat him to it. "Unable to comply."

His eyes snapped open. "What? Why?"

"Personal logs can only be accessed from a single location at any given time," the melodious female voice informed him, stating a fact he was well aware of.

"Then what's the problem?"

If the ship's computer had been sentient, it would have rolled its eyes at him in exasperation by now. "Commander Chakotay's personal log is already being accessed at this time."

"From where?"

"Holodeck 2."

The first officer narrowed his eyes, keeping his irritation in check with an effort. "List personnel currently on Holodeck 2."

"Captain Kathryn Janeway."

Chakotay felt as if he had just been slapped. He knew things hadn't been ideal between them lately, but this betrayal of his trust cut him deeper than anything she had done to him this far.

He rose slowly, deliberately, gripping the back of his chair with far more force than necessary. His jaw was clenched tight as he considered his options, but in the end he knew there was only one course of action he could take. Shoving the chair aside, he exited his quarters in the direction of the holodeck.

If this was the way she wanted to play it, she had picked the wrong opponent.

-==/\==-

"Computer, activate Kashyk."

The holo-Kashyk stirred and looked about him, as if trying to find out where he was. Then his eyes fell on Janeway. "Captain," he exclaimed, advancing toward her with outstretched arms. "What a pleasure to see you again!"

"Stop!" She held up a hand and he froze, a half-surprised, half-amused grin on his face. He followed her with his eyes as she slowly circled him, not at all perturbed by her scrutiny. She found herself wondering if it was at all possible to catch him unawares.

Coming to a halt directly in front of him, she brought her face to within two inches of his. "Why did you betray me?" There was anger in her voice, but also a hint of disappointment.

He didn't budge. "It was your only weakness. We needed a way to find the refugees, and you were the most promising target. It didn't take a telepath to find your vulnerability. And it worked, didn't it?" He laughed. "You were easy prey."

She fought not to let the hurt she felt creep into her voice. "Then you didn't feel anything for me?" Although she had never fully trusted him, she refused to believe that all his actions had been nothing more than make-believe.

As if to confirm her thoughts, a wistful look came over Kashyk's face. His hands came up to rest on her shoulders. "Under different circumstances, I might have..."

He suddenly pulled her to him and kissed her. Janeway struggled to break free and slapped him across the face. His half-amused grin returned. "You're easy prey," he repeated, lifting his right hand to brush a wayward stand of hair away from her cheek in a mock-caress.

"Computer, freeze character." She left him standing where he was, his hand still outstretched.

Hard as it was for her to admit it, every word he'd said was true. She _had_ been easy prey, grasping for a bit of sympathetic contact beyond the daily command routine. No matter his ulterior motives, Kashyk had given her emotional warmth at a time when everybody else seemed to turn away from her, especially Chakotay.

Chakotay. She stopped in front of him, wondering if she should activate him next. No. He would be last.

Turning left, the captain addressed the computer again. "Activate Mark."

The hologram blinked, and his eyes instantly found hers. He turned his head slightly, but otherwise did not move. "Kathryn." His voice, so soft and loving.

Tears sprang to Janeway's eyes and she fought hard to refrain from throwing herself into his arms.

"You were gone when I woke up." A statement, not judging her, not demanding an explanation she might not be willing to give. Just stating a fact.

Her tears were falling freely now. "I'm sorry," she whispered.

"So am I." There was sadness in his voice. "I loved you."

She started at his unexpected use of the past tense. "Computer, freeze character." Her eyes suddenly dry, she forced herself to look at him, he who had once been more than her lover; her fiancé, the man she had been willing to spend the rest of her life with. Was that still true today?

Shrinking from the question as usual, Janeway quickly wiped her eyes and turned to the last of the holograms. She dreaded talking to him, but there was no use backing down now. Better to get it over with, so she could get on with her life.

"Computer, activate Chakotay." As soon as the command registered, a frown passed over the commander's face. It deepened when he noticed Janeway's presence.

She wasn't surprised. She had instructed the computer to access Chakotay's logs, both official and private, and to use the contents to update his personality profile and memory file. She knew she had effectively broken the lock on Chakotay's diary, but since she didn't read it and didn't use the contents per se, only the effect they had on his behavior, she had almost succeeded in justifying her actions in front of herself. Almost – but she would deal with that later.

The holo-Chakotay kept staring at her, the frown never leaving his face. Janeway realized that this time she would have to make the first move.

"Hello, Chakotay," she said, tentatively approaching his position.

"Captain." There it was again, the growing distance between them. The mere use of her rank instead of her name was enough to obliterate her resolve of staying calm. She rushed up to him, grabbing both his upper arms and shaking him forcefully. He was visibly surprised but did not resist her.

"What the hell is wrong, Chakotay?" she all but shouted in his face.

Finally roused by her attack, Chakotay shook off her hands and took a step back. His frown deepened. "I could ask the same of you, Kathryn. What is going on?" Then he became aware of the silent images of Kashyk and Mark. "And what are _they_ doing here?"

Suddenly Janeway was very calm. "I'm trying to sort some things out," she said.

His harsh laughter grated on her ears. "With them? If this is who you turn to for advice, no wonder we haven't made any progress lately."

"_We_? There hasn't be a 'we' for a long time, at least not that I can recall."

"No." His eyes turned dark. "And don't think I hadn't noticed." He turned suddenly, advancing toward Kashyk and Mark. "Tell me, are they any better advisors than Tuvok? Did you consult with them after Tuvok told you to turn me down, or were one Vulcan's doubts already enough to destroy everything we ever had? Don't answer –" he cut her off before she could open her mouth. "I'll ask them myself. Computer, activate all holographic characters in this room." Recognizing the first officer's voice, the computer complied.

Janeway's head spun. This was not what she'd had in mind when she'd created the three men's likenesses. She was tempted to simply shut down the program, but when Kashyk's and Mark's images came alive again and turned toward Chakotay, she stood by and watched in helpless fascination.

"So," Chakotay snarled, "What did _you_ tell her about _command protocol_ and _parameters_? No doubt you both had quite a bit to say on that matter?!"

Kashyk gave him an amused smile before replying. "I merely taught her that feelings are a weakness. Easily manipulated and bent to one's wishes. Of course you, Commander, would never stoop that low to attain your goal."

"You're darn right I wouldn't," Chakotay growled.

Kashyk shrugged. "More's the pity for you."

Janeway could see in Chakotay's eyes that he was rapidly losing control. Then Mark stepped in.

"Gentlemen," he said calmly, forcing the two opponents to step apart in order to make room for him. "Please, can't we settle this in a more civilized manner?"

"And who would you be?" Kashyk asked loftily. "Prince Charming?"

"In a way," Mark smiled amiably. "In any case, I'm the one Kathryn chooses to make love to these days."

"What?!" Kashyk and Chakotay exclaimed in unison.

Janeway cringed. This was _definitely_ not what she'd had in mind.

"When?" someone asked, and when Mark replied, his voice held more than just a trace of victory. "Yesterday. And just for your information, she showed none of the hesitation or doubts which obviously kept her from giving in to the two of you."

Chakotay punched him.

_This is going too far_, Janeway thought with alarm. Kashyk was too arrogant, Mark too outspoken, and Chakotay way too angry and violent. However, before she could utter a word, a voice rang out behind her.

"Computer, freeze program."

Janeway froze along with the three holo-images and felt her cheeks grow hot with embarrassment. She had been so caught up in the scene unfolding before her eyes, she hadn't heard the doors opening and closing.

"How long have you been here?" she asked, her voice barely audible.

"Long enough."

The commander advanced, moving past her to scrutinize his counterpart who was suspended in mid-motion after delivering a crushing blow to Mark's nose.

The holo-Chakotay's face was distorted by rage – and pain, Janeway realized with a start. She kept her eyes trained on him, afraid of what she might get to see in the real Chakotay's face.

Sure enough, he was turning on her now. Even without looking, Janeway could tell by his tone that he struggled to keep his own rage at bay.

"What is this, Kathryn? Your idea of a fun afternoon out?" His voice was dripping with sarcasm, and she knew she deserved every ounce of it.

"I'm trying to sort some things out," she repeated what she had told his holographic alter ego mere minutes ago, chin jutting out defiantly, but even to her own ears the explanation sounded shallow now.

"And for that you had to break into my personal logs?" So that was what had brought him here. She really couldn't blame him for being upset.

"I didn't read any of it. I just wanted you – _him_ to be more realistic."

"For what, Kathryn?" Chakotay was rapidly approaching his breaking point. He would have welcomed the chance to hit someone, and he was in complete agreement with his holographic self about a likely target. "What kind of game are you playing?"

"This is no game, believe me!" Her own anger was rising and she finally shifted her attention from one Chakotay to the other. The temperature in the room seemed to go up a few degrees as his heated stare was met by the blaze in her eyes. "I'm tired of our dance, Chakotay! It's always been one step forward, two steps back, but lately it felt more like ten steps back and none forward."

"And whose fault is that?"

"Does it matter?!" She was on the move now, circling the small group in the center of the room, her agitation increasing as she passed each of the men in turn who had given her so much grief. "We hardly ever talk anymore, not about the things that really matter. And since I can no longer get a straight answer out of you, I figured maybe I would from _him_!" She whirled around to face the holographic Chakotay again. "Computer, activate Chak–"

"BELAY THAT ORDER!" Chakotay thundered. He forcefully grabbed Janeway's wrist and spun her back to him, their faces inches apart. "Try me!" he uttered in a low guttural growl which made the hairs at the back of her neck stand on end. She felt the raw power behind his words and the heat in his touch, and she knew that right now he was not afraid of hurting her.

"Fine!" she spat, jerking her hand away from his and rubbing her wrist. "Just what is it that you want from me? Whatever I try, it never seems to be enough. And as soon as I turn my back, you can't wait to throw yourself at someone else. So tell me, once and for all: What – do – you – _want_?"

"I want _YOU_!" He hurled the truth in her face, and when she shrank back he felt no small amount of satisfaction. "And I thought I had you, until you had to go and ask for Tuvok's blessing, of all people. One word from him and you were cowering back in your corner, hiding behind 'command protocol' and 'parameters'. I'm so sick of it, Kathryn! We were finally getting close, but then you turned around and changed your mind, _again_. What was I supposed to do? I'm no saint; even I can only take so much. And if you weren't willing to _live_ our journey, then I was going to find someone who would." Bitter disappointment laced his voice. "You can stay in your ivory tower – rest assured, I won't try and touch you again!"

The mention of Tuvok cut through the haze of anger and hurt that enveloped her brain and she hesitated just long enough to let the thought register. Something the holographic Chakotay had said suddenly clicked into place.

Her eyes narrowed dangerously. "I don't recall turning you down."

He laughed mirthlessly. "You didn't have to. I heard enough to know –"

"I said," she cut him off, "I _don't_ recall turning you _down_!"

She stood very still, facing him head-on, daring him to contradict her. Unconsciously he mirrored her posture, clenching his hands at his sides.

"No," he finally said, expelling his breath. If he was completely honest, he had to concede that point. "You never did. Not in so many words. But after that day, after that conversation with Tuvok in your ready room, you changed, and I couldn't bear it. I had come too close to the fire, and got burned one too many times. And when Tuvok came to see me –"

"Tuvok came to see you? When?" Suddenly all the fight went out of her body. She struggled to stay upright, to keep the upper hand, but she could see his shoulders slumping as well. The confrontation was draining the last of their energy, but it was far from over.

"After he read you the riot act, he apparently figured that I was still enough of a loose cannon to warrant a special appointment." The sarcasm was back in his voice.

"That's ridiculous."

"Is it?" Suddenly he was upon her, having mobilized the last of his strength to deliver one final blow. He gripped her upper arms forcibly. "Tell me something, Kathryn. You set up this whole charade to get some straight answers, so now it's your turn to come out with the truth. Did you enjoy it? Did it satisfy you to see how 'we'," he indicated the three silent holographic figures with a quick jerk of his head, "how we fought about you; even I, after everything you've done to me?" He suddenly noticed he was shaking her and loosened his grip, but didn't let go completely. "You said you were trying to sort some things out. I sure hope it worked, because I don't think I can help you anymore."

"No, you can't." She was calm now, all her anger spent, and finally seeing the big picture. A long series of misconceptions and miscommunications had led them to this point, and now it seemed too late to salvage their relationship. They had waited too long. Still she had to try, if only to be able to face herself in the mirror tomorrow morning and not regret having let yet another chance slip her by.

"Tuvok made me realize that we'd been overdoing it, that we had crossed the line from merely teasing to outright courtship, and that not everyone felt comfortable with that level of familiarity on the bridge," she clarified, keeping her voice as level as possible. "But I never asked for his blessing. Actually, quite the contrary."

Chakotay's face was a mask of stone but he had somewhat relaxed his hands, so she was able to slip out from his grasp and pace about the room. "You said it yourself, that evening in your quarters: You always respected the parameters I defined for you." She paused, willing him to look at her. When he finally did, she looked away. "But somewhere along the line, I realized that that was the problem: I didn't want you to respect them anymore. I wanted you to go out on a limb, take a risk and sweep me off my feet, so I wouldn't have enough time to rationalize anything and just _be_ with you. Just like that kiss you gave me. But I knew you'd never do it again, you were always much too considerate for that. And for a while, I almost hated you for it." She trailed off, thinking back all the way to New Earth. If they had both been bolder then, none of this mess would have happened.

"Why didn't you ever tell me?"

"I don't know. The moment was never quite right, I guess."

"Is that all you have to say?" He was still angry, but at least he wasn't shouting anymore.

A thousand possibilities flitted through Janeway's mind, then scattered. Everything of importance had been said. Almost everything.

"Can you forgive me?" she finally asked.

"I don't know."

The blow hit her unexpectedly hard. She refrained from pointing out that it had been his misconceived assumptions about Tuvok which had created the real rift between them; at this point, it didn't matter anymore who had done or said what. They were both equally to blame for lost chances, and they had both been equally adept at driving the thorns deeper, hurting each other on levels too profound to just be glossed over.

Janeway moved to the arch, the holodeck's control center to the right of the double doors.

"You wanted to know if I had finally figured things out." She cast one last look at the three silent holograms, then touched a button to erase the program. Now only the two of them were left. "I did."

Kashyk had been an adventure, an experiment, a challenge, but no more than that. She could never be with anyone she did not trust implicitly.

Mark was the past. She had loved him, and she still loved the feeling of security and belonging he inspired in her. Maybe that was the reason why she had seen him in her vision – he represented everything she longed to have, everything she wanted to come home to after a long day on the bridge. But he wasn't the one she wanted to wake up with in the morning. Not anymore.

Her hand was poised over the control that would open the holodeck doors, yet she did not press it. She considered leaving without another word, but that wouldn't have been fair. After everything they'd been through, not just today but over the past months, he deserved a straight answer just as much as she did.

Chakotay still stood motionless. Moving slowly, Janeway approached and, after hesitating only briefly, kissed him squarely on the mouth. Despite the fact that he did not respond, she lingered long enough to make sure that the kiss went well past what friendship would have demanded.

She broke away without looking at him and went back to the arch, this time pressing the button that released the doors. "I love you," she said quietly, then moved out into the corridor and let the doors close behind her.

"Kathryn…" Chakotay's voice broke. Despite his earlier words, he was still head over heels in love with her and she had just burned him once again.

-==/\==-


	8. Full Circle (by Hester)

_NOTE: Please see Chapter 1 for a general disclaimer and further information on the genesis of this series._

**'With a Little Help' Series: Chapter 8 (aka the grand finale ;-))  
**Written and first published October 2012  
Episode references: the usual, Coda

******Full Circle**  
by Hester (hester4418)

Hours later, Chakotay finally made his way back to his quarters. He had remained in the holodeck, blindly staring at the doors and feeling completely numb, until a couple of crew members had claimed their appointed time-slot.

After that he had aimlessly wandered the corridors of _Voyager_, not heeding where he went, only moving steadily, concentrating on putting one foot in front of the other. The confrontation with Janeway kept replaying in his mind, all the hurtful things they'd flung at each other. He was relieved that they were finally out in the open, but it shouldn't have ended like it did. For the first time in months, they had been completely honest with each other – but afterward they had fallen right back into their usual patterns, only this time their roles were reversed: She had declared her love for him, and he, feeling the ultimate need to make her realize just how much she had hurt him in the past, had rebuffed her by his silence. He had been such a fool. Chakotay couldn't help feeling that this terrible clash had destroyed the last strings of hope that had still connected them.

And yet...

He couldn't get past the memory of her kiss. For all intents and purposes he had just thrown her heart out an airlock, telling himself – and her – that he was finally ready to let her go because she would _never_ choose him over her other obligations. But despite his cutting words Kathryn had turned right back to him. As one-sided as the kiss had been, the memory of it was pure torture on his soul. She was telling him in her own way that she had finally made peace with herself, that she wanted him in her life and that she didn't give a damn what Tuvok or anyone else thought. And what had he done? He hadn't even tried to keep her from walking out.

Tuvok. Thinking back to what Kathryn had said about Tuvok suddenly brought him up short. _I never asked for his blessing. Actually, quite the contrary._ Thoughts reeling, Chakotay tried to recall his painfully short conversation with the Vulcan chief of security on the day when everything had changed. Just what exactly had Tuvok said?

With a sharp intake of breath, the first officer realized that Tuvok hadn't had the chance to say much of anything. He, Chakotay, had done most of the talking, and had then unceremoniously thrown the other man out. And being the stoic Vulcan that he was, Tuvok apparently had taken that as final.

A horrible thought struck him – what if he had completely misinterpreted what Tuvok had wanted to talk about?

Chakotay stepped into a turbolift and heavily leaned against the wall. Why had everything gone so wrong? And why had they waited this long to confront each other?

_Because we're both cowards_, he realized. _Too afraid of getting hurt, and too blind to see the pain we were causing at the same time._

Today, Kathryn had made one last, desperate effort of getting through to him, determined to clear the air between them, no matter what the consequences. And even though her means were questionable, they had produced the intended result. But there was even more they had _not_ talked about – Mark, Kellin, Kashyk, Valerie. Where could they go from here, with so much more still unsaid and unresolved between them?

-==/\==-

The lights came up when Chakotay entered his quarters and he at once spotted the medium-sized white rectangle on his table. Paper. On it lay a single pink rose, just like the one he had given her almost exactly two years ago as symbol of life.

He stared at the ensemble, pictured Kathryn arranging it and leaving it for him to find, and gradually its significance dawned on him.

A blank page.

Chakotay sank into a chair, too stunned to process the implications of the simple question her message conveyed. Only minutes ago he had been convinced that there was still far too much separating them, and once again Kathryn was way ahead of him, telling him that, at least to her, none of it held any importance. Somehow, she never ceased to amaze him.

Was it possible that they could actually move past _everything_ that had happened and meet again at eye level, no further questions asked? It would be a new beginning for them both, leaving all the hurt and guilt behind and only moving forward. If they could do that, there might still be a chance.

It was quite possibly the last chance they would get. He would be damned if he let it slip away.

"Computer, locate Captain Janeway."

"Captain Janeway is in the mess hall."

A faint smile appeared on his face. How fitting. First the holodeck, then the mess hall. After all this time, they were finally coming full circle.

-==/\==-

When Chakotay entered the crowded mess hall, several heads turned. He hardly noticed them, his attention focused on the solitary figure at the far end of the room.

Janeway had chosen the same table they had shared those many months ago after her first 'explosion' on the holodeck, and he was sure that was no coincidence. She sat with her back turned to the room, chair slightly angled away from the table. Chakotay couldn't see her face, but from the way everybody seemed to be giving her a wide berth, he could guess that her manner had not invited company tonight. It pained him to see her this lonely.

He crossed the room in deliberate strides, waving off Neelix as the Talaxian tried to approach him and steadfastly ignoring the curious glances that were directed his way.

"Uh-oh," Tom Paris muttered under his breath, watching the commander's every step. Two pairs of eyes turned on him, fixing him in a crossfire.

"What do you know that we don't?" The threat in B'Elanna Torres' tone was obvious, even though she kept her voice just above a whisper.

"We may be in for a final showdown," Paris replied ominously, all the while keeping an eye on Chakotay.

"Just what do you mean by that?" Torres gripped Paris' arm, forcing him to look at her. Her stare was fiercely intimidating, but he still attempted to stall by rubbing his arm and grimacing.

"Ouch. Don't you think you could be a little more sensitive?"

"To-o-om –" her voice was threatening to rise, so he hurriedly backed down.

"All right, you win. Guess who had another encounter on the holodeck today?" Seeing Harry and B'Elanna's glances move in the direction of their commanding officers, Paris nodded. "That's right. And I bet the sparks that flew could have ignited a whole fireworks display. No, not that kind of sparks, I'm afraid," he added quickly as Torres' head snapped around, a hopeful expression on her face.

"What happened?"

"I ran into Chakotay outside the holodeck this afternoon. As it so happened I kind of blocked his way, and he told me in no uncertain terms to get lost."

"And?"

"The captain was using the holodeck at the time, and she wasn't in a social mood. I heard him using his override code to get in."

Torres was appalled. "And you just let him go?!"

"What was I supposed to do? He didn't know that I knew that she was in there, and I didn't exactly feel like pointing it out to him. The guy was _mad_."

"How did you know it was her?" Kim cut in, dubiously watching his friend. In his mind's eye he already saw the three of them reporting for yet another 'chat' with Tuvok – or worse, Janeway herself.

Paris patted his arm. "Relax, Harry, I haven't broken any confidences today. She barged in on me while I was playtesting the new Captain Proton episode and virtually ordered me to swap time slots. Given her mood I didn't dare refuse."

"And then you just happened to bump into Chakotay later?" Torres asked, incredulous.

Paris had the grace to squirm. "Well... Actually I stayed around to check if she would run _Sandrine's_ again."

Torres' and Kim's jaws dropped.

"I was concerned, all right?" Paris added defensively. "After last time –"

"Yeah, well, after last time you should have stayed out of it!" Kim shook his head in exasperation. "Don't you ever learn your lesson?"

"Calm down, Harry." B'Elanna put a hand on the ensign's arm. "Tom was only trying to help."

"But that's exactly my point! He's _not_ helping – and neither are we by continuing to pry."

Her muttered answer was lost in the noisy arrival of a group of engineering personnel who settled at the next table. After greeting them briefly, Torres stole another glance at Chakotay who by now had stopped right behind the captain's chair.

Janeway stared out the viewport, ostensibly studying the stars streaking by outside. She gave no indication of having noticed his approach, but Chakotay was sure that she had sensed the shift in the room's atmosphere as soon as he had come in. The murmur of conversation suddenly seemed muted, as usual perfectly attuned to the command team's emotional state. He wondered how they could have ignored it for so long.

Chakotay laid his hands on Janeway's shoulders and she noticeably stiffened, then relaxed into his touch. He longed to pull her up and take her in his arms right then and there, but he didn't dare quite yet.

Her voice sounded cautious, betraying her own uncertainty. "I wasn't sure if you'd come."

"I wasn't sure if I deserve another chance," he replied quietly.

She looked up at him then, blue eyes seeking their dark counterparts in the window's reflection. "Doesn't everyone?"

"Only in a perfect world."

She held his gaze, searching his eyes, for what he wasn't sure. Then she slowly reached up to grasp one of his hands with her own. Warmth spread up his arm and through the rest of his body, making his skin tingle. He lightly brushed his thumb over her fingers and was rewarded by a tug on his hand, a clear invitation to join her.

Chakotay left her long enough to retrieve a chair and then settled beside her, close enough for their shoulders to touch. Kathryn reached for his hand again and breathing suddenly became a whole lot more difficult as her fingers laced tightly with his. Silence stretched between them, but contrary to what he had expected it did not feel awkward. He contemplated their joined hands, then sneaked a look at her profile. Her eyes were half closed, her lips slightly parted, and he could only assume that she was just as affected by their proximity as he was. Behind them, soft laughter drifted through the mess hall.

There was a plate in front of her, the food on it barely touched. A safe topic for conversation. "What's for dinner?"

"Leola root stew. With a twist." Kathryn's tentative smile warmed his heart. "You're welcome to try it."

"Thanks, but I'll pass."

"Smart move." They shared a small chuckle. Emboldened by the almost normal feel of the exchange, Chakotay started moving his thumb over her skin again. She took a deep breath and expelled it slowly, squeezing his hand in the process.

Her next comment caught him by surprise. "They're talking again, you know?"

"Who is?"

"Do you really have to ask?"

Of course he didn't. Upon crossing the mess hall he had observed the forms of Tom, Harry and B'Elanna, once again huddled close and conversing in heated whispers. He thought back to their conversation months ago and echoed his own words. "Does it bother you?"

She turned, looking straight at him for the first time since he arrived. "Yes."

"Yes?" He was surprised. That was not what she'd said last time. "Why?"

"Because..." Kathryn bit her bottom lip, then cleared her throat, never breaking eye contact. Her voice sounded wistful, betraying a vulnerability she rarely allowed anyone to see. "Because whatever they have to say about us, about what we're doing, or they _think_ we're doing, or they think we _should_ be doing – at the end of the day I'm still left with nothing to show for it."

Chakotay swallowed past the lump in his throat. "I love you, Kathryn."

A solitary tear spilled from her eye. "I know."

He lifted his hand and gingerly brushed his fingertips across her cheek, wiping away the damp trail left by the tear. Suddenly the room went breathlessly quiet. He didn't have to look around to know that all eyes were turned their way. Chakotay brought his other hand up as well and gently cradled Kathryn's face. His voice was low, and full of love. "Let's give them something to talk about, shall we?"

-==/\==-

Across the room, conversation had ceased – almost.

"Don't stare, B'Elanna!"

"I won't if you won't."

"That'll be the day."

"Oh, shut up!" The half-Klingon chief engineer smacked Paris' shoulder. He punched her right back, grinning devilishly.

"Cut it out, you two," Harry Kim whispered forcefully. "If you don't keep it down, you'll ruin the moment."

That brought the squabblers up short. After shooting a final exasperated look at one another, Torres and Paris turned back to watching the spectacle that held the whole mess hall captive.

There, right in front of everybody, Captain Janeway and Commander Chakotay were thoroughly wrapped up in each other and kissing deeply.

One of Chakotay's hands had sneaked around to tangle in her hair while his other arm wrapped around her back, drawing her as close as possible under the circumstances. She was leaning into him, hands on his chest, utterly lost to the world.

"Talk about 'kiss and make up'," B'Elanna sighed. She fully expected another snide remark from her companions, but none came. Instead, Tom placed an arm around her shoulders and kissed her tenderly. Harry just shook his head. He would never understand their tumultuous relationship.

After several long minutes, the command team showed no intention of surfacing anytime soon. Torres decided it was time to clear out the extras. She rose silently, drawing annoyed glances from a handful of crew members. With a quick shake of her head she indicated the door and made a shooing motion with her hands.

Everybody caught on rapidly and soon a silent procession left the mess hall, heads craned to catch yet another glimpse of this unexpected rumor turned reality. Neelix switched off all the lights except for a small lamp in the kitchen that cast a muted golden glow over the first row of tables. Then, with a last look at the enamored couple, he followed Tom Paris outside.

As soon as the door had closed, the pilot whistled under his breath. "Phew, Neelix, that certainly was a long time coming."

The Talaxian beamed up at him. "I always knew it would happen someday," he declared. Then he turned back and locked the door. "Just a precaution," he added happily as Paris unsuccessfully tried to hide his grin.

Right then the turbolift at the near end of the corridor opened and Tuvok emerged.

Neelix fidgeted. "Here comes Mr. Vulcan. What if he wants to eat now?" he whispered nervously.

Sure enough, Tuvok's destination was clearly the mess hall. "Mr. Neelix, Lieutenant," he curtly greeted the two men and attempted to step around them.

Paris blocked his way. "Sorry, this joint is closed for tonight," he announced cheerfully.

Seeing the Vulcan's eyebrows rise, Neelix jumped into action and grabbed Tuvok's arm, anxiously turning him back the way he had come. Taken aback by the Talaxian's audacity, Tuvok opened his mouth to speak, but Paris fell into step beside him, still grinning broadly.

"Tuvok, my friend, let me tell you a story..."

-==/\==-

When Kathryn Janeway looked back on that night later, she had trouble recalling all the details. All she knew for certain was that when Chakotay and she had kissed, under the watchful eyes of at least two dozen of their crew, a collective sigh had swept through the room.

After that, the following minutes were a blur of sensations. Months of yearning were finally demanding their due, and she was overwhelmed by her body's response to his closeness, driving away all conscious thought. She dimly remembered coming up for air at some point and finding the mess hall dark and deserted; only what amounted to a night light had been left burning in the kitchen.

"Where'd everybody go?" she had asked huskily, tracing Chakotay's tattoo in the faint starlight.

He had turned his head and kissed the palm of her hand. "Does it matter?"

"No." And that had been the end of that brief lucid moment.

Several minutes later they finally managed to let go of each other long enough to agree that a change of location was called for if they wanted to keep the remainder of their dignity intact. They switched off the kitchen light and prepared to leave, almost colliding with the door as it failed to open at their approach.

"They actually locked us in!" Kathryn was incredulous. "I wonder who thought of that?"

"Probably Neelix," Chakotay guessed, wrapping his arms around her from behind. "Or B'Elanna. Or Tom. Certainly not Harry." He kissed the side of her neck.

"Poor guy. And they're trying so hard to teach him," she chuckled, then sighed with pleasure when his lips moved lower.

She reached for the manual control to key in the appropriate code, but Chakotay unexpectedly turned her around and backed her up against the door, delivering another searing kiss that made her knees go weak. Desire coursed through her and she found herself seriously considering the possibility of staying... But no. Some of the rumors were already detailed enough; there was no sense in turning any more of them into fact than absolutely necessary – at least not tonight.

His hands trailed down her sides and she shuddered, a strangled moan escaping her lips. With an effort she pushed him away and drew a shaky breath. "We'd better go."

The mischievous gleam in his eyes told her that he thoroughly enjoyed seeing her this out of control and knowing that – finally – it was for all the right reasons.

"If you insist." He cupped her face and moved in to kiss her once more, but she sidestepped his advances and deftly tapped in the release code for the door.

"Indeed I do."

The corridors were silent and empty, whether by chance or by design they couldn't be sure. The short turbolift ride from deck 2 to deck 3 seemed to take forever, and Chakotay found it harder and harder to hold back, to resist the urge of embracing her again before they had reached the privacy of the captain's domain. The anticipation was almost too much to bear, but at least he had the satisfaction of knowing that Kathryn was equally struggling for control.

He slowed his steps when they approached her quarters but she tugged on his hand and pulled him along, bypassing her door. Eyebrows lifting in surprise he followed and in a matter of moments found himself at the door to his own cabin which obediently slid open at their approach.

As soon as they had moved through, she let go of his hand and advanced to the center of the room, taking in the familiar surroundings with new-found appreciation. This was Chakotay's domain, the colors and mementos a reflection of his personality – she already knew quite a bit about him, but she couldn't wait to learn much, much more.

He came up behind her and placed his hands on her shoulders, squeezing lightly. Right now he wanted nothing more than to pick up where they'd left off in the mess hall, but first, he had to know. "Not that I don't appreciate the sentiment, but why are we here instead of next door?"

Kathryn turned, the most brilliant smile lighting up her face and the whole room. "So you can't accuse me of throwing you out tomorrow morning." With that she was in his arms again, leaving no room for doubt that this time, she was there to stay.

_Tomorrow morning_. Chakotay definitely liked the sound of that.

-==/ The End \==-


End file.
